Sometimes life doesn’t look like what we expect it to look like. We may experience something unexpected like a health scare. Loss. Grief. Pain. Disappointment. This may leave us feeling hopeless. Wrecked. Damaged.
Have you ever felt this way?
I know I have and it’s time to share my story.
Late July 2019, my husband and I were surprised with an unexpected pregnancy. You see we were told for many long years that we just couldn’t get pregnant. We longed for a son. We hoped and prayed, went through many tests, and tried everything the doctors recommended.
But for many years we were barren. So this pregnancy was a dream come true and we were elated. We had our first ultrasound and found out God had blessed us with our son. Our prayers were answered and in just a couple of months he would arrive.
We were already months into the pregnancy. We beat all the sickness and whizzed through the first trimester without even knowing. Second trimester went smooth. We went to birthing classes and toured the hospital. Then during our third trimester I started swelling a lot and my blood pressure started creeping up. I had an iron deficiency and gestational diabetes, but no biggie it was the same as with my daughter and I made it through that.
But my blood pressure kept rising and the baby just wasn’t moving as much as he should. This turned into multiple weekly office visits and non-stress tests to make sure the baby and I were both okay. The talks began about inducing early.
I was put on bed rest in the middle of November. I went to the doctor on November 22nd in the morning. My blood pressure was high, but not rising. We wanted to keep the baby in as long as possible. My doctor was heading off for vacation and cleared me, but ordered me to call at the first sign of anything being off.
I went to the grocery store because I just HAD to have beef stew that weekend. I walked around a little too long and went home for lunch and a nap. I woke from my nap to my water breaking. I was home alone and rushed to the hospital. My husband and one of my best friends met me there. My mom came shortly after. Thankfully we caught my doctor before he went out of town.
My blood pressure was still very high. I was dilated, but he wasn’t ready to come just yet. Not until that night. My blood pressure started to rise and at that point it was time to get him out. I was given blood pressure medicine to attempt to stabilize it. Then I decided I wanted an epidural for the pain.
My blood pressure dropped drastically after the epidural and I coded on the bed. I remember seeing a room of providers around me and feeling like I was floating out of my body. I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was dying. One of the scariest things I’ve ever been through. I could hear my best friend tell my husband to sit down, so he wouldn’t pass out. They got me stabilized and it was time to push the baby out.
Delivery wasn’t easy. It never is. I couldn’t get him out of the birth canal. He was stuck for so long that it became dangerous for him and by the time he finally came out, he wasn’t breathing. They rushed him to the nursery. I didn’t even get to see him or hold him in my arms. I threw my arms in the air and just kept praying and calling out to God asking Him to save my baby. I didn’t care about my life at that point. I just wanted my son to be okay.
The team got our baby stabilized. He had to have oxygen to help him breathe. My husband was allowed in the nursery to meet him. He was such a proud daddy and was there for him for his first moments. He saw him pull the oxygen off his face and breathe on his own. What a fighter!
Within the hour I finally got to go down to the nursery and see him. Shortly after he was able to come to our room to be with us. We were on our way to recovery and our new life. To figure out a new normal for a blended stepfamily of six. With three teenage daughters, we were excited and a little anxious about the road ahead. But we were ready for the new adventure. As ready as we’d ever be.
My blood pressure was still high, but stable with medications. We stayed two nights at the hospital. My doctor headed out for vacation, so a covering doctor released me on blood pressure medication ordering a blood pressure check that week. We went home to start our new life. I was very weak and fatigued, but hey I just had a baby. That’s to be expected, right?
I went to get my blood pressure checked a few days later by the covering doctor as instructed and after having it checked three times and it still being abnormally high, I was sent on my way. I had a rough weekend, but knew I’d be following up with my doctor the next week.
When I went to my doctor, even though I was taking the meds, my blood pressure was still too high. We were sent back to the hospital for monitoring, diagnosed with preeclampsia postpartum, and admitted into the hospital for a magnesium drip. That was a horrible experience. My whole body felt like mush, yet so much pain, and I felt incredibly weak and sick. I was confined to the bed and having trouble breathing. I didn’t have an appetite and couldn’t sleep. I had oxygen, but I still felt like I couldn’t breathe right.
The next day I kept telling the nurse I couldn’t breathe. Because my pulse ox was normal, she kept telling me it was just anxiety and to try to relax. But I kept pushing and asked her to call my doctor. Nobody knows my body like me and I had to be my own advocate!
My doctor ordered more tests and called a pulmonologist in. I got another IV and a few scans on my body. The next thing I knew I was being rushed to ICU and diagnosed with pulmonary edema. I had so much fluid on my lungs, which was why I couldn’t breathe!
It all happened so fast. They started to drain the fluid from my lungs and put a special mask on my face hooked to a machine to help me breathe. Then made the decision to transfer me to a bigger hospital where I could get the best care for my heart. Next comes my first ever ambulance ride. I was terrified and transferred alone to ICU at the second hospital.
More tests were ran and I was diagnosed with cardiac myopathy and congestive heart failure. My heart valves were leaking and my heart function was only 20%. I was lucky to be alive! My husband and grandparents rushed to be with me. My mom took care of our kids so we wouldn’t have to worry about them. Being away from our kids was the hardest part. The baby wasn’t even two weeks old and my teenager was so scared.
With my initial diagnosis I was told I may heal in three to six months. I’m young and have a healthy heart. That when this occurs with pregnancy most women heal and get back to a normal life pretty quickly. Well that hasn’t been the case for me. Insert more disappointment here.
My heart team kept me stabilized, got me off the breathing machine and onto oxygen. Once the fluid was off my lungs I was breathing a lot better. I stayed in ICU for close monitoring for two more days. Then transferred to a room out of ICU for 3 more days. It seemed like eternity being away from my kids. I knew I needed to be monitored, but I also just wanted to be home and for all of this to just go away. I was sent home with a wearable life vest (defibrillator) in case my heart stopped, it would shock it back into rhythm. Scary, right!?
The former workaholic isn’t allowed to work. No exercise. 10 pound weight restriction. Limited stairs. Fluid restriction. Sodium restriction. What the heck can you eat that’s not loaded with salt? And I was just drinking 8+ bottles of water a day and now I can’t have more than 3 bottles in a whole day!? How unfair is that!?! Oh and I’m still lugging the defibrillator around, which was starting to become a nuisance.
Rest. Rest. Rest. What is that? I’m always on the go. I take on more than any sane person can handle. How am I supposed to do that?
God had been telling me to slow down for years. To unbusy my schedule. To declutter my life. To unrush my days. To learn to exercise my “no” and choose my “best yes.” To exercise. Eat better. Hydrate. Breathe. Take better care of me. But in my madness of seeking to control all outcomes and to do everything (I am THAT girl), I never slowed down. I didn’t heed my warnings and this is where I ended up.
It’s been almost 5 months since my diagnosis. My heart function is improving, but I still have a ways to go. I’m not supposed to carry my son because of my weight restriction. I still feel fatigued and get dizzy when I go up and down the stairs in my home. I still push myself to do some of the things, but not all of the things. I veg out. I take time to rest.
That’s progress, right?
The biggest change is my heart and my attitude towards the situation. I didn’t realize how disappointed I was in my circumstances. Honestly how mad I was at God for “taking me out like that.” But He allowed me to slow down. To stop being so busy. To be home with my healthy baby and spend more quality time with my family. To be home in the midst of an upcoming global pandemic.
I’m not one to ask for help, but He knew what my family needed. He sent help our way. I didn’t even have to ask. From family and friends cooking meals, dropping off groceries, and cleaning the house. To gifts, cards, phone calls, prayers, and lots of messages of love and encouragement. He gave me the best team ever at work, so I could let go and trust that it would all go on just fine without me. He put me in community with other believers to love on me and give me hope. He gave me plenty of resources to keep my mind busy and draw me closer to Him.
He continues to provide for me and my family. To give us endless opportunities and resources for help. And to heal me. In His timing. Not when I think it should be.
Ultimately I’ve learned to move past disappointment and to focus on gratitude. To know that His plans for my life are better than mine. To slow down and take things day by day. To give myself grace when I don’t feel like myself or can’t perform like I used to. To just be and leave it all in the Master’s hands.
I’m claiming healing for my life and believing for it. And I will be patient in the waiting. I know His ways are greater than mine and that I can trust Him because He loves me.
With love,
Stephanie
Joy for the Soul
Joy for the Soul 